


Sugarloaf

by thePacificRIMMER (Ellitchhizui)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Culture, Alternian Language, Animal Instincts, Blood and Gore, Bulge + Nook Headcanon, Bulges and Nooks, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Condy - Freeform, Cult of the Mirthful Messiahs, Cultural Differences, Detailed Gore, Fear Play, Friorn Guanin, Hermaphroditic Trolls (Homestuck), Indigos are not the only color of devout trolls within the walls of the mirthful church!!, Jake gets catfished, Jake is Bisexual, Jake vomits on more than one occasion, Jane is still a salty bitch, Knotting, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Male deflowering, Mirthful Church, Near Death Experiences, Non Game AU, Non-Canon Relationship, Original Character Death(s), Other, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Striders are assholes, accidental cannibalism, chatlogs are external links for aesthetic purposes, cooking and eating humans, excessively long tongues, ruining innocent characters is my kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 15:59:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11854929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellitchhizui/pseuds/thePacificRIMMER
Summary: Jake English didn't want to be hurt again...but the heart drives us forward into crazy circumstances. Even if the Beau IS a mysterious foreigner friend who you've known for almost three whole years and he's a super sweet guy but dear god Jake you are falling head over knickers for this man who you don't even know yet!Friorn Guanin wasn't one to think about consequences and rarely hesitated when making a decision. He hadn't when sneaking onto Makara's husktop, he hadn't when making the choice to investigate Trollian, and he certainly hadn't stuttered to snatch up this shy English human as his Matesprit! Risky business of the sort, and dangerous tboot! But that was life! Life was grand and so were it's challenges! The loud, "humble" Sorchurner (chef) of the Mirthful Church wouldn't have expected anything less!





	Sugarloaf

_______________________________________________________________________________________

When someone talks about a long distance relationship, or friendship (like internet), usually you'd think of across the state.  
Maybe across the continent.  
Different country?  
That's usually where people stop thinking about the difference of distance. How much farther could you get than that anyways?

 

_____________________________

Two individuals in particular had known each other for quite a while now, almost three full years. The beginning of the relationship was a bit tricky to deal with. A rather vivid language gap was evident when the first messages began. There's no need to describe the sheer chaotic confusion that ensued before a picture was sent instead. Not a picture of either one individual in particular, but just a simple doodle of a confused lizard looking creature with an actual question mark by it's head. From there, it was mostly pictures before they actually started speaking on the same pages.  
It took almost a year just for that, but much bonding was had over simple drawings of feelings!  
For another year, the two, who had already formed an interesting bond of understanding, were able to speak mostly English to each other. Granted, one was speaking wondrously broken English, but after a repeat or two the point was put across. 

One of the two really fancied food, sharing odd things that he'd describe as 'Delicates' (though they probably meant "delicacies"). The foods were DEFINITELY not American. In fact, they didn't look very earthly somehow? But that's a rude thought... he must've just been foreign~  
They were slowly getting the hang of the English language over time, though for fun he'd post little lizard doodles for a fun jab at old times or on the odd occasion that some sort of miscommunication ocurred. This fellow's name had appeared with the text 'cuisinierAquilon', his profile name being 'Friorn Guanin', and apparently didn't have any device capable of taking any picture of himself with. Eventually in conversation, he'd mentioned how it was "a miracle" that he even had anything to reach his friend. Must've been a really third world country that he lived in... hopefully not North Korea of all places!

Aside from two and a half of the three long years being mostly a breach of the communication barrier, the attempt of sharing jokes and stories, along with surprisingly long text blurbs of what was assumed to be strange recipes, and noble attempts from Friorn to comfort the other to the best of his own abilities. 

Somewhere in the two and a half years, something had happened that had Friorn's internet pal really upset. It happened when he'd still not fully grasped the English language. It was such a struggle, but in the end it was mostly understood?  
A fallout occurred, but no one fell down? Friorn's friend had lost someone somehow. Presumably a mate from the context of a message sent in distress that read "I'm fucking single!" Friorn wasn't exactly sure still what happened. He just knew that within the most recent half year, he'd started "dating" this friend. Whatever that meant? Were they mates?? Friorn did need a mate soon anyways...

A ding caught his attention as he was returning from his job. He could take a tiny break with what he was doing to reply to his friend! Eagerly, his fingers darted across the keyboard to hastily type out messages.

cuisinierAquilon began trolling golgothasTerror at 23457:00:00????

**CA: <~ HI!  
** **CA: <~ i see youre ON!**  
**CA: <~ EVERYGOOD OKAY!?**

 

_golgothasTerror is typing..._

****

**GT: Fair suck of the sav! You're up early aren't you!**  
**GT: ...Or is it late where you are?**

**GT: Blimey! I never can tell!! You'd think after two years of camaraderie between a few chaps knowing one another with a boons bucket of kliks between us, a fellow's brain would have been more eloquently acquainted to knowing the whens and how's of our timezone differences, haha!**

**GT: And yes, I'm doing very well actually! Nothing but Aces now that I get to talk to you! ://B  
GT: I am bit on the tired side though, seeing as I just got up. Haha!**

A quick glance over the alien language. He could get a few of the symbols together just fine, though some words still escaped his thought process.

 

****

**CA: <~ think early??**  
**CA: <~ SUN down!**

Wait a second, that message. 

**  
**

**CA: <~ BUCKET**

Something didn't feel right about that word.. couldn't place it, but it made the troll squint. His squinting, suspicious lizardly doodle should do just fine. 

**CA: IMG_����.png**

**GT: Well sundown is a good enough reply for me! Early or late is just a matter of perspective, so as the birds say!  
** **GT: Is something the matter?**  
**GT: --oh! Right!**  
**GT: Buckets is a metaphor for something of great volume!**  
**GT: Sorry if that might've confused you froodlebug!**  
**GT: I tend to get carried away with my typing.**  
**GT: Now that I'm awake that reminds me!**

_golgothasTerror sent a file(s)_  
_Room Cleaning.MP4_

_golgothasTerror sent a file(s)_  
_Party.MP4_

_golgothasTerror sent a file(s)_  
_Roxy_says_hi.png_

_golgothasTerror sent a file(s)_  
_Asshole_Ex.png_

_golgothasTerror sent a file(s)(4)_  
_Swimsuit1.png_  
_Swimsuit2.png_  
_Swimsuit3.png_

 

_golgothasTerror is typing..._

**GT: UM**  
**GT: Well I took more videos for you since you really enjoyed the last ones! Heheh!**  
**GT: you don't have to look at the last set.**

Friorn was very pleased to see the green text just pop and pop, little tiny singing noises that followed added to the excitement.  
Bucket though... meant something great? Shoot that last word was probably important.  
His eyes scanned over the screen again, past froodlebug (which was Friorn?) and past Jake remembering something. 

Pretty soon, Friorn was watching two different videos from his dearest matesprit. The videos helped Friorn grasp words in the English language just a bit more, but even without fully understanding the language, he was still giving hearty laughs at the moving picture. The reactions were amazing, as if he was actually there! Let's not to mention the STUFF Jake had! THAT WAS ALL COOL SHIT. 

A few pictures now, with people Friorn had recognized prior in the video. Both had very light colored hair, though only one actually looked pleasant. Asshole looked odd. What was up with his eyes??  
Did he even HAVE ANY???  
The questions ate at the poor chef until he opened the first of the three swimsuits. A shrill exciteable screech with a purr undertone was suddenly audible to those around as his blessed eyes saw his mate. 

**CA: <~ DFHNKVTIMCDJE**  
**CA: <~ RRUHJLLBYEEWFGHJGY**  
**CA: <~ HEART HEART!**

Oh no he just saw the last few messages. Pfff ohwell.

( [Click Here for the rest of the chat log](https://msparp.com/8d2ce868e5c545058e70127129fd2a6c/log) )

The young chef quickly logged off his created trollian account, hastily slamming the husktop shut as he tried not to scream. His mouth was open though, as if in preparation to bellow in panic if he got caught. Swiftly he lifted the young Makara's beanbag seat, sliding the husktop underneath as he then dropped the fabric.  
His next move was a panicked 180 degree turn before leaping toward the wall. His hands slapped at the old wood, his toes spreading to let to fabric grip against the polish and scale upward. Friorn was not exactly prepared for this moment. At all. 

The door swung open, giving the chef quite a start, as the Altar Boi came back from his duties. The troll with spiraling horns sighed, yawning loudly. His footsteps were heady as he headed toward his beanbag to collapse. Now was Friorn's chance. He dropped from above the doorframe to the tiled floors below. His feet noticeably papped against the ground, immediately followed by faster paps against the ground. His hands desperately clung to his tights now, as he'd forgotten to connect the straps to his colorful leotard.  
One of these days, he's not gonna hear that blessed laughsassin slap the goats ass and he's gonna get caught. He just knew it. Still, it was nice to see and read from his Matesprit when he could~

**Author's Note:**

>  **Alrighty, so this is the first chapter of hopefully many many more to come!  
> **  
>  **I apologize if the writing seems a bittle wonky at first, but my palemate and I are slowly converting an RP bit by bit into a fantastic story that we both hope you'll all enjoy! :)  
> **  
>  **I'm hoping to add actual links to certain files that are posted in the story, much like how Homestuck does!  
> **  
>  Yes, asshole Ex is Dirk. It was a photo of Dirk. XD
> 
> **COUGHDISCLAIMERCOUGH! I don't under any circumstances claim ownership of Homestuck nor it's canon characters. All Homestuck things are copywrite to mister Andrew Hussie. My rail and I do, however, own our own spinoff AU's, original characters and designs, as well as the intellectual rights to this steamy bit of literature! ;0)**


End file.
